I’m bored. Hear those words and you will probably feel that niggle of annoyance and dread that crops up when you hear them come out of a child’s mouth.
Parents either go out of their ways most of the time to help children come out of their boredom, or – taking the advice that boredom fosters curiosity – they let them figure it out for themselves, perhaps with a few tips. And having children who are content and entertained is a source of relief and even pride in parents who feel they no longer have to deal with it.
While it’s an openly spoken about parenting topic, however, for some reason it becomes taboo or shaded with shame and guilt once adults or couples start experiencing boredom.
But what does it mean to be bored in a relationship?
Couples often view boredom as that negative ambiguous feeling, it is an easy way of expressing ourselves or verbalising our anguish when we are not sure what is going on in there or when we just don’t want to know or refuse to dig deeper.” Maybe I’m just bored” is what we tell ourselves when we sense something is not right in our relationship and is usually masked with a lot of confusion, sadness, hopelessness and much more. When boredom occurs, some actually start grieving the relationship believing that this is the end. And the easy way out for some, unfortunately is to leave or resort to affairs, shaking that relationship or what’s left of it.
Why are we so hesitant to talk about it?
First there is Guilt. Guilt of somehow hurting the partner’s feelings by hinting that they are the cause of boredom. Secondly there is the feeling of Shame. Shame that an adult is not in control over their feelings. Third there is Fear. Fear of the partner’s reaction, fear of altercation and fear of where this could take the relationship? There is a space of not knowing whether this will open Pandora’s box that can not be closed again. They say some things are better left unsaid.
Should this be the case? well maybe, if you are willing to live your life with bottled up feelings only to wonder why snapped at that waiter who brought you the wrong drink or lashed out at your partner for picking up the wrong type of milk at the supermarket (and we all know how confusing this is now a days!). It takes courage for a person in a relationship to mention that he or she is bored, let alone sit with the partner and openly talk about it.
What is the solution?
Couple’s therapy is a healthy way of sorting out conflicts when the pair is not managing alone, but before jumping into that, I strongly believe that when the couple work individually and willingly on themselves, couple’s therapy would be the icing on the cake or even the cherry on top. Moreover and surprisingly enough, when one of the partners seeks self help or therapy of any kind, a remarkable change happens in the relationship. I am not suggesting in any way that this should be a one way project , no, but what I’m saying is that it’s a good start. Positivity is contagious, once you are balanced, fulfilled and happy it is very easy for you to deal with your partner and the relationship. I have personally seen a massive shift in relationships only after just one of the partners took the self- healing journey, and I have also seen individuals going to therapy thinking that their partner was the problem come to the realisation that the issue all this time was laying within them.
When boredom arises in your relationship and feels overwhelming, I recommend journaling as a first simple exercise, noting down point by point the things you do first thing in the morning till the time you go to bed without skipping anything. Take the time to look at each and every point in depth. Even if initially, contemplating the “I had a cup of coffee” line, feels awkward, it doesn’t matter, boredom lies in there, somewhere between the lines, and it’s up to you to find it.
What to avoid
A common mistake couples do when they feel bored, is jump into the usual recommended tips of spending more time together, going out on dinner dates, even taking trips, just to discover that this is only a temporary solution, if ever a solution. When issues or problem in general are dissected and broken down to smaller points, they’re much easier to deal with. Address and solve the issues you are having bit by bit.
If you find yourself stuck in a loop or are having difficulties achieving progress, it is very important to seek help, find a therapist you can trust and feel comfortable opening up with. Hypnotherapy is an amazing tool to help you figure out what lies beneath the conscious surface, you will be amazed to rediscover the things that you have already known but haven’t remembered or processed on a conscious level.
Top tips to prevent boredom creeping in
1. Going with the flow and accommodating your partner all the time in order to avoid conflicts and discussions is not always a good idea. Over time this will only build up frustration and resentment. Discussions and disagreements could be exciting, and are part of the relationship growth. Your partner might actually raise an eyebrow and discover something he or she might not have known about you.
2. Don’t get too comfortable in your routine. While routines are essentials and help create a system and order in a unit, shaking things up from time to time is also necessary to avoid stagnation. Discovering new places together is exciting. Don’t always stick to the familiar because you know it and it’s comfortable. If your partner doesn’t agree to join you on this venture, do it alone or with a friend. Don’t just reluctantly drop it because your partner is not interested.
3. Although finding a common hobby and things to do together is amazing, it is equally important to find yourself things to do on your own, outside the marriage context, whether that is a career, a hobby, a sport, an outing with friends... anything that feels personal to you and does not involve your partner directly, so when you sit together in the evening, you’ll actually have something new to talk about. If you had unaccomplished dreams, project, education that were put on hold because of your marriage or growing your family, set a goal, a convenient date to take it back on. If the time is not right for now, schedule it, talk about it with your partner, explain how important that is for your personal growth thus important for your relationship. There is a difference between settling down and settling. Do not give up on your dreams just because you have settled down. And above all do not lose your identity or confuse it with your partner’s.
On the other hand, if you both spend a lot of time apart because of your careers or any other reasons, then finding the time to do something together is essential, dedicating time to your partner is as important as dedicating time for yourself and vice versa. Balance is key.
4. Don’t take your relationship for granted when you are married just because it’s official and feels safe. Every now and then think of your partner as this new person you’d like to impress, put an effort as you would have done during those first dates. At the end of the day this is the same person, the person you have chose to spend your whole life with. He or she is definitely worth the effort.