Friendship

Friends are the family we choose, but blood is thicker than water… Friendship has always been a sweet topic, but sometimes controversial for many. How important are friends, can a friendship withstand the test of the time? What happens when we grow up, mature, evolve, everyone at their own pace and their own way, in a different environment? would we still be friends with those little people we made friends with, ages ago, when there were no responsibilities, only fun and laughter? With maturity, better choices are made, but does it mean more sustainable relationships? So many questions, but the answers remain inconclusive, maybe because in life nothing is simply right or wrong, it’s really what feels right or wrong to you that matters. Trust your instinct. 

Childhood friendships are the sweetest thing, there is something about them that you just can’t replace. There are most probably one of the best memories you will ever have. And what are we, without our memories…they are part of us, we resort to them when we are in a bad place to anchor the beautiful emotions related to those sweet moments from the past.

These childhood friends may always hold a place in our hearts, even if we fall out of the friendship, because we get separated by distance, time, or whatever reason…

Some friendships are simply not meant to last, and that is OK. I believe that everyone comes into our life to teach us a lesson. cherish the experience, learn from it, and move on.

I grew to believe, that friends can be made at any stage of our life, given there is Honesty and transparency from both parties. Being honest and transparent, doesn’t mean you are expected to share every single detail of your life with your friend, you can be the best friend one can ever have but you’re not the person that can open up easily.Being honest and transparent with your intention towards this friendship, is what counts. Some of us may believe if we’re friends we do need to share everything, well some do, while others don’t. And while it is beautiful and relieving to be able to be an open book with our friends, It’s important to remember that each and everyone of us, had a different upbringing, lived through different events and traumas, that shaped who we are today.We can’t pretend to be someone we’re not, and we surely can’t force anyone to change who they are, so they can suit our personality and likings. Talk about who you are, how you tend to behave, your expectations from this friendship. By being true to your self and to your personal identity, you are setting boundaries, and no longterm relationship withstands the test of time without proper boundaries. 

Right beside honesty, falls Commitment. And again, no human relationship survives without commitment, and work, by no means it should be hard labour though, friendship should be one of the easiest and smoothest relationships we experience, sweet, pleasant, comforting, accommodating, and fun.  

One very important aspect of friendship remains vague, kind of taboo, unspoken of… Acceptance . Can we love our friends but not completely accept them for who they are?

In personal relationships where love is usually involved, being it a romantic relationship, a marriage, a family bond, or a friendship, Acceptance is more important than Love, although somehow the two are very intertwined, for some reason I find acceptance more tangible than love. Love is this sublime, metaphysical, abstract warm feeling that sometime we can’t just explain in words. We love someone, we feel it. Acceptance is the translation of Love, the practice…the test!

If you truly love someone, you accept them for who they are. If you don’t, the love is not complete, and that’s absolutely ok too. We don’t need to love everyone, but if we chose to love someone, in this instance a friend, we need to accept them for who they are. If for a reason or another, we find it difficult to accept them, we’ll have to be at least honest with ourselves first, and then with them. We all praise and chant “unconditional love”, but do we really practice it?

Over the years, we make friends, and we have a falling out with some. what I always reminded myself of during the process, is that, it was ok to end a relationship that does not serve us anymore, it is absolutely ok to remove ourselves from toxic relationships, it’s ok to chose the people we’d like to have in our circle. with each failed friendship, I have learned a lot, and I have learnt to disconnect without guilt, I have learnt to accept certain people for who they are while accepting that they simply don’t belong in my life, because sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go. 

Christmas in Unprecedented Times

Just as we thought life is going back to normal after two extraordinary years, there comes another variant of the virus to shake us back into alert mode again, and sweep the holiday sparkle away. Up until this holiday season, I have not been directly affected by the pandemic. I was mentally prepared to deal with the sudden changes and adjustments. There were manageable days and there were those that were more challenging .

During my self healing and self developing journey, one of the important thing I was taught was about the law of duality that teaches us to keep an even head and accept whatever situation occurring in our lives, situations or events which are out of our control, situations we can’t change. In the past, I would go out of my way trying to change some situations that I did not accept, I did not like, only to grow more frustrated and angry. Funny how big our Ego is, we believe we can change the world, the universe, and we’re barely capable of changing ourselves or little habits like unhealthy eating or quitting smoking...

Christmas is a highly anticipated event in my family. Since the day I was born I have spent every Christmas with my parents, even when I was living abroad, I made sure I’d go back home for this special occasion. This has stopped after my parents passing in 2010. New Christmas rituals haven taken place. Christmas was now spent with my own family, the family that I have created with my life partner, and my sister’s family. That is now what my children call Christmas. Christmas 2021, with my son in quarantine in his room, and the rest of us in isolation at home, Christmas was looking and feeling a bit different this year. The day before Christmas Eve, I spotted my daughter crying silently, tears covering her face, lips quivering, and yet not even one loud sob. This is real pain, I thought, that kind of crying is not the usual cry for attention, it’s the genuine one. No surprise there, my daughter adores those family gatherings, specially Christmas.

Watching her grieving over the Christmas that has been taken away from her, broke my heart, I felt her pain. This pain has resonated with me and carried me back to Christmas 2009. I wasn’t a little 10 year old girl, I was a grown woman, but never the less I was crying in silence because Christmas as I know it was taken away from me for good. I was so close to having one last Christmas back home with my parents. I flew in few days before, I spent most of the time by my mother’s bed side, she wasn’t well. It was terminal. I was angry, determined to have that last Christmas with her, but the universe had a different plan.

The day before Christmas, my mom had difficulty breathing, fluids were filling up her lungs. We knew what to do, this has been the pattern lately, we drove her to the hospital. I only had one thing on my mind, she needs to get better before tomorrow comes. This wasn’t about her anymore, it was about me. I demanded one last Christmas with her. She didn’t feel better and she couldn’t leave the hospital. I remember trying to convince her and talk her into coming home, even though part of me knew just by looking at her lay in the hospital bed how bad the situation was. I went on trying to convince her to come home, she’ll lay down on the sofa with us by the Christmas tree, we’ll take pictures, another memory to be added to the photo collection, one last Christmas...

I was desperate and angry, not exactly sure who was I angry at, the list was long but God was definitely on top of that list.

Fast forward to Christmas 2021, my 10 year old daughter, sad and disappointed that her Christmas was taken away from her. Part of me wanted to try and make it better, but the other part of me wanted to prepare her for bigger pains, inevitable pains she’ll eventually have to go through in life.

Pain is part of life and its duality, if pain didn’t exist we wouldn’t have experienced and appreciated pleasure. Pain is what makes us humans, it shapes our lives, once dealt with properly, the lessons and the wisdom it leaves us with are unparalleled.

So on a last note allow me not to wish you a happy new year, but instead I’ll wish you mental strength, resilient hearts, self awareness, and most and foremost I wish you “ Acceptance”.
Acceptance to allow yourselves to experience all your emotions because it’s what makes you whole, the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing and trusting that this too shall pass.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CORONA: HOW TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER.

When it comes to dealing with issues and problems in a marriage or relationship, most people choose to ignore the elephant in the room and just carry on, focusing instead on their lives as individuals. 

If it feels like you’ve been socially distancing from your partner long before Covid-19 entered our lives, it may be a passive decision simply taken to avoid what’s actually going on in the relationship. But with everyone being asked to stay at home now, many are finding that their individual life — their refuge from a relationship they didn’t want to address — is no longer available as an escape. All of a sudden, you are forced to act and deal with a situation that has been put on hold for a while. Circumstances have brought you together unexpectedly, and the elephant is now standing in the center of the room.

If you’re stuck at home with a partner that you haven’t connected with in a while, things can get tough. It’s definitely going to take some getting used to — and a whole lot of work — but this can be good news. Indeed, now is the time to face those fears and start working on that connection again. With avoidance no longer being an option, there’s nothing left to do but to deal with things. 

If your intention is to save your relationship (this is key), hold on to that desire and commit to doing your part of the work, taking on this “relationship challenge” without judging your partner for not holding up their end.

Relationships go through phases — please remember that. Just as life is governed by the law of duality and polarity, every aspect of it is created from a balanced interaction of opposing forces that complete each other. Ups and downs are only normal, the good doesn’t exist without the bad, and light cannot be without darkness. However, it’s up to you to dig deep and find the missing part of the equation.

Here are a few steps to follow to help you reconnect with your partner while you’re both spending more time at home. 

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF

You can’t fully fall in love with someone if you are not in love with yourself first. It’s time to find your own balance and start working on your mental and physical wellbeing before turning your attention to your partner or to the relationship.

REMINISHE ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Take a trip down memory lane and find out how and why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. Look at old pictures and think about the first dates, first holidays, and the first time you decided you were going to be spending the rest of your lives together.

STOP CRITICIZING AND START ACCEPTING

You can never survive a relationship if you are constantly being judged and criticized. If you find it difficult to stop criticizing your partner completely, try to consciously limit it and make an effort to offer more compliments. Always remember that the only thing you can change and control is yourself, so if you want to see a change in your partner’s behavior, either lead by example or simply verbalize it calmly, clearly, and constructively.

LEARN EACH OTHER LOVE LANGUAGE

You don’t need to be speaking the same love language to make the relationship work. What’s important is that you both understand each other’s love language and use it to address each other, without assuming that whatever makes you happy makes your partner happy too. For instance, your love language might be acts of service, so you will feel your partner’s love when he does the cooking and the dishes or takes out the garbage. However, he won’t feel your love when you offer these same services if his love language is, for instance, physical touch.

IF YOU DON’T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT

This one is self-explanatory, really! The more you grow apart, the longer and harder the way back is. You do know the way back to intimacy, you’re familiar with the destination, you have been there before, but you might just feel a tad too lazy to hop back on. You’re so used to being far away that it started being comfortable. Your comfort zone might just be an illusion, an excuse you use, because you lack the energy and motivation to work towards something better. Be clear about your goals and your desired destination.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

When love and intimacy have faded in a relationship, it is the couple’s responsibility to bring them back. Hug your partner, even if you don’t really feel like it, to boost your levels of oxytocin, a hormone that increases the feeling of bonding. Also, hold your partner’s hand when you’re both sitting on the sofa watching Netflix or browsing on your phones. Lean over and get used to being physically close again.

CHANGE YOUR VISION ANGLE

Get to know your partner from a different angle. Try to see what others see in them, why others love them. What is it that you don’t see anymore?

GIVE YOURSELF AND YOUR PARTNER SPACE

If you find that the lockdown and being at home together all day is causing you to fight all the time, give yourself some personal space by retreating to another room or even suggesting that you both take some time to sit and explore your feelings individually.

IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THE KIDS

Do remember that you have other things in common besides your kids. Indeed, they are not the only thing that unites a couple. First there was you (as a couple), and then they came along.

Boredom in Relationships

I’m bored. Hear those words and you will probably feel that niggle of annoyance and dread that crops up when you hear them come out of a child’s mouth.

Parents either go out of their ways most of the time to help children come out of their boredom, or – taking the advice that boredom fosters curiosity – they let them figure it out for themselves, perhaps with a few tips.  And having children who are content and entertained is a source of relief and even pride in parents who feel they no longer have to deal with it.

While it’s an openly spoken about parenting topic, however, for some reason it becomes taboo or shaded with shame and guilt once adults or couples start experiencing boredom.

But what does it mean to be bored in a relationship?

Couples often view boredom as that negative ambiguous feeling, it is an easy way of expressing ourselves or verbalising our anguish when we are not sure what is going on in there or when we just don’t want to know or refuse to dig deeper.” Maybe I’m just bored” is what we tell ourselves when we sense something is not right in our relationship and is usually masked with a lot of confusion, sadness, hopelessness and much more. When boredom occurs, some actually start grieving the relationship believing that this is the end. And the easy way out for some, unfortunately is to leave or resort to affairs, shaking that relationship or what’s left of it.

Why are we so hesitant to talk about it?

 First there is Guilt. Guilt of somehow hurting the partner’s feelings by hinting that they are the cause of boredom. Secondly there is the feeling of Shame. Shame that an adult is not in control over their feelings. Third there is Fear. Fear of the partner’s reaction, fear of altercation and fear of where this could take the relationship? There is a space of not knowing whether this will open Pandora’s box that can not be closed again. They say some things are better left unsaid.

Should this be the case? well maybe, if you are willing to live your life with bottled up feelings only to wonder why snapped at that waiter who brought you the wrong drink or lashed out at your partner for picking up the wrong type of milk at the supermarket (and we all know how confusing this is now a days!). It takes courage for a person in a relationship to mention that he or she is bored, let alone sit with the partner and openly talk about it.

What is the solution?

Couple’s therapy is a healthy way of sorting out conflicts when the pair is not managing alone, but before jumping into that, I strongly believe that when the couple work individually and willingly on themselves, couple’s therapy would be the icing on the cake or even the cherry on top.  Moreover and surprisingly enough, when one of the partners seeks self help or therapy of any kind, a remarkable change happens in the relationship. I am not suggesting in any way that this should be a one way project , no, but what I’m saying is that it’s a good start. Positivity is contagious, once you are balanced, fulfilled and happy it is very easy for you to deal with your partner and the relationship. I have personally seen a massive shift in relationships only after just one of the partners took the self- healing journey, and I have also seen individuals going to therapy thinking that their partner was the problem come to the realisation that the issue all this time was laying within them. 

When boredom arises in your relationship and feels overwhelming, I recommend journaling as a first simple exercise, noting down point by point the things you do first thing in the morning till the time you go to bed without skipping anything. Take the time to look at each and every point in depth. Even if initially, contemplating the “I had a cup of coffee” line, feels awkward, it doesn’t matter, boredom lies in there, somewhere between the lines, and it’s up to you to find it.

What to avoid

A common mistake couples do when they feel bored, is jump into the usual recommended tips of  spending more time together, going out on dinner dates, even taking trips, just to discover that this is only a temporary solution, if ever a solution. When issues or problem in general are dissected and broken down to smaller points, they’re much easier to deal with. Address and solve the issues you are having bit by bit.

If you find yourself stuck in a loop or are having difficulties achieving progress, it is very important to seek help, find a therapist you can trust and feel comfortable opening up with. Hypnotherapy is an amazing tool to help you figure out what lies beneath the conscious surface, you will be amazed to rediscover the things that you have already known but haven’t remembered or processed on a conscious level.       

Top tips to prevent boredom creeping in    

1. Going with the flow and accommodating your partner all the time in order to avoid conflicts and discussions is not always a good idea. Over time this will only build up frustration and resentment. Discussions and disagreements could be exciting, and are part of the relationship growth. Your partner might actually raise an eyebrow and discover something he or she might not have known about you.

2. Don’t get too comfortable in your routine. While routines are essentials and help create a system and order in a unit, shaking things up from time to time is also necessary to avoid stagnation. Discovering new places together is exciting. Don’t always stick to the familiar because you know it and it’s comfortable. If your partner doesn’t agree to join you on this venture, do it alone or with a friend. Don’t just reluctantly drop it because your partner is not interested.

3. Although finding a common hobby and things to do together is amazing, it is equally important to find yourself things to do on your own, outside the marriage context, whether that is a career, a hobby, a sport, an outing with friends... anything that feels personal to you and does not involve your partner directly, so when you sit together in the evening, you’ll actually have something new to talk about. If you had unaccomplished dreams, project, education that were put on hold because of your marriage or growing your family, set a goal, a convenient date to take it back on. If the time is not right for now, schedule it, talk about it with your partner, explain how important that is for your personal growth thus important for your relationship. There is a difference between settling down and settling. Do not give up on your dreams just because you have settled down. And above all do not lose your identity or confuse it with your partner’s.  

On the other hand, if you both spend a lot of time apart because of your careers or any other reasons, then finding the time to do something together is essential, dedicating time to your partner is as important as dedicating time for yourself and vice versa. Balance is key.

4. Don’t take your relationship for granted when you are married just because it’s official and feels safe. Every now and then think of your partner as this new person you’d like to impress, put an effort as you would have done during those first dates. At the end of the day this is the same person, the person you have chose to spend your whole life with. He or she is definitely worth the effort.

Stop bullying and start loving

It’s Valentine’s day, typically I should be talking about love and butterflies in the stomach, but instead I chose to talk about the lack of Love and compassion, about the knots in the stomach, that me and thousands other people have experienced due to a viral bullying video that has leaked few days ago in our community.

I’m not going to go in depth and describe the series of events in that infamous video that is involving few grade seven students, but to say the least, there was a bully, a victim and couple of passive aggressive members.

It was just after dinner when the notification started pouring in and I started receiving the video on different group chats. Me, my husband and our eleven year old son started watching in disbelief, as we recognize the school uniform of the kids in the video. I got chills. This has just hit too close to home, it has happened in our beloved school, in my children’s second home. These were kids just a year older than my son. Wow! Innocence long gone!

I discreetly sneak a peek on my son’s face trying to make meaning of his feelings and reaction, and it gutted me to see his beautiful big brown eyes, go even wider. First I translated shock, then, there was a mix of fear, concern and worry.

Coincidentally, this has happened just couple of days after I spoke about judging people too fast, on national TV. They say walk the talk and practice what you preach, but boy it was a tough call! I was caught up in a situation too close to my heart as a mother. I couldn’t help but wear my emotions on my sleeves. It suddenly hit me. I am judging the bully too fast! I have reacted to the disturbing scene, I Suddenly took off my holistic approach and life coaching hat. Unfortunately at that moment I could not be objective, there was so much going on in my head and in my heart. I switched to mama bear mode, wanting to protect her cubs ferociously; my thoughts immediately went to the victim and her family. It was a moment of vulnerability, of weakness or shall we just call it Human!

I have remembered the wise words of Gabby Bernstein author of “Judgment Detox”, I remember her explaining beautifully that you shouldn’t judge yourself, judging others (or yourself), just stop yourself, acknowledge it, and start the reasoning. 

In the aftermath of that video, the reasoning and the data collection started, as concerned parents started exchanging information. Other kids and parents started coming forward with bullying stories involving the same girl in the video, stories dating to four and five years back, wow, talking about a #metoo movement.

I thought that usually would involve more like older people, who have over the years chosen to nourish the narcissist side of them . How can an individual build a history of bullying at this young age, something has terribly gone wrong, and it suddenly hit me, a child bully is more of a victim than the victim herself. People, including me, have been hating on the bully, but more hate is not going to fix anything. Love is the missing ingredient here, It has been missing all along. Now that we have processed our feelings, let us help fix the formula, let us start pouring love and sending positive energy, to everyone who has been affected, but first and foremost, to the bully as she obviously is the one who needs it most.   

WORDS

Words are one of the many communication tools that we use, and we all know in a conversation or a certain communication, there are two parties involved, from one side, we have the person speaking and from the other side we have the receiver, therefore the responsibility falls on both. As a person speaking it is very important to start thinking and measure your words before saying it, don’t over think it, just run this quick check list through your mind before saying your word: 1-is it true? 2-is it necessary? 3-is it kind? A little reminder to keep it real, that’s it. While at it, please do not lose your spontaneity just for the sake of saying a nice words, a word should be coming from the heart, false flattery and compliments that are not congruent with what you’re feeling or thinking aren’t true nor necessary ( remember that check list!) .

Besides the check list, we can also start changing our vocabulary and minimizing the use of negative words as much as we can. We can always convey a message even if it was negative while using positive words, an example of that is when a child asks his mother for candy and the mother doesn’t want to give it to him at that time, instead of saying the word ”No” to the child, which causes immediate change in the brain function, she can convey the same message without using negative words, by saying: Yes you can have a candy after lunch or in the weekend or in the next birthday party etc... 

A scientific experiment was done, where the brain of a person in a FMRI scanner was studied, they have flashed the word “NO” for less than one second, and the video showed a sudden release of dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters. These chemicals immediately interrupt the normal functioning of the brain, impairing logic, reason, language processing, and communication.   

In his book “the hidden messages in water”, Masaru Emoto a Japanese author and pseudo scientist who said that human consciousness has an effect on the molecular structure of water, his early worked revolved on the pseudo scientific hypotheses that water could react to positive thoughts and words and that polluted water could be cleaned by positive words and visualization.

Words are the reflection of a person’s character, mood and intention; therefore a bad word coming out of our mouth is the residue of all unprocessed negative emotions that lies within us.

Your words belong to you and you only, until the person who you are addressing, accept them.

In one of Buddha’s stories, he encounters a man who tried to verbally assault, demean and ridicule him, but then without success he gave up! When he asked Buddha why didn’t he react, the Buddha calmly responded ”if you offer me a gift and I don’t accept it, to whom does this gift belong to?”

People can offer us their words and opinions, it can’t hurt us unless we let it land in our hearts and minds.

Now when someone takes a bad word to heart and react to it, it is only because it resonates with them, it would have probably touched a present wound or a negative emotion that this person is dealing with consciously or subconsciously. For example if someone is struggling with their weight or body image, and are constantly beating themselves up about it, or thinking about it all the time, and then comes another person that makes a comment about their weight or blurts out a negative word to them, the impact of that word and the effect could be devastating to the person receiving it. Unfortunately not everyone has reached the level of self love needed in order to build up that resilience and self protecting shield. Therefore it is not only the person that is saying the words who need to be held responsible for what he or she says. The thing is we can’t change the world or control the people around us, but the good news is that we change ourselves, empower our minds, learn self Love, self acceptance, Love what you have, fix what you don’t like about yourself, and accept what you can’t change, the time will come when we’ll be wiser and more in tune with ourselves and understand that everything we have including the things we didn’t like or accept about ourselves,  or whatever situation we are in, was meant to be for a reason.

Social Isolation

As soon as the word “isolation” is mentioned, it is automatically perceived negatively, however as we know, nothing in this Universe exists without it’s opposite, the Universe along all its content is governed by balance. Nature gave us polarities, Spirituality gave us the yin and the yang, and therefore it’s very important that we always work towards creating balance in all aspects of our lives from an early age, including social isolation.

When a baby is born, that baby is provided with a safe and a calm environment, as it is very important for the physical and mental growth of the baby, to sleep and rest. Gradually parents start to expose this child to the outer world, sun light, smells, noise etc... for sensory development and growth.

As this child becomes a toddler and becomes more socially aware, and is being taught by his parents and caretakers the importance of socializing, it is equally important for that child to be taught about the importance of spending quality time alone, this gives the child the opportunity to think, create and dream, the child starts developing new skills, learn to entertain him or herself alone, therefore learn that happiness and entertainment doesn’t depend on others or outer factors. Kids need to know that there is a difference between Loneliness and aloneness, loneliness is related to a lack, a need, a suffering, aloneness on the other hand has a sense of being complete, content, it is simply the joy of being.   

When this child is brought up socially balanced and gets to the teenage phase, then he or she will be better equipped to face this difficult stage, friends and family are essential, as well as quality time spent alone, specifically for studying and concentrating. According to a study done by Harvard university on a group of teenagers, they have noticed that teenagers who study alone have a better focus, concentration, a better memory hence a better performance in exams. From a different angle, Oxford University has pointed out the positive aspects of group studies, and the benefits of having motivation created by the peers, and the possibilities of asking questions, sharing ideas and getting clarifications.

When social isolation is involuntary, caused by sickness, a physical handicap, a mental health issue, or a change in environment, like a change of school or country, specially with a forced migration due to war or other reasons, in that case this imposed isolation is very likely to cause depression and mental health issues.

An individual who is not emotionally equipped or never been taught that” happiness grows from within”, and that the outer world is nothing but a contributing factor not an indispensable ingredient to our happiness, this individual is going to have a culture shock once forced to move or change environment, a forced exit from the comfort zone is not going to be well received. In such cases social isolation is a normal reaction as we are naturally scared of the unknown and tend to hide from it.  

Self development and adapting the attitude of facing our fears rather than running away from them, is essential in order for us to carry on in life, equipped with whatever needed so we can face life with all the bumps in the road. Getting out of our comfort zone and adapting to a new environment and situations, is very beneficial mentally, it actually makes us smarter, new neural pathways are created to enable us deal with this new situation which is unfamiliar. When we keep doing the same things that we do, we are operating on auto pilot mode, we do need to challenge our brain to keep it healthy the same way we need to change our exercise routine constantly in order to achieve results.  

When social isolation is voluntary, it is usually temporary; it’s probably a phase that one needs for different reasons. It is commonly seen in artists, writers, creators, as they flee their social environment in search for solitude on a deserted island or a faraway village in order to attain inspiration and come up with their master piece. Others, more on the extrovert side, depends on people, parties and social events to get inspired or to find their muses.

A balanced “Social isolation” or better called “Solo quality time” has a constructive role, it helps with

Concentration,  recreation,  rest. It makes us more innovative, more creative. Humans are inclined to imitate others around them, specially these days with the impact of social media and influencers. Disconnecting every now and then is actually very helpful. Solitude is tied to creativity not because we concentrate on whatever task we have in hands and the dissipation of energy on social matters unrelated to our task, but because it frees us from the strictures of fitting in even unconsciously.

When social isolation turns to loneliness and becomes chronic, it is a sign of depression and mental health issues, professional help is to be sought immediately. 

If there is a lesson to be learnt, I would summarise by saying, be mindful in your isolation and socialization, always find the positive side in any situation and reap the benefits it has to offer.

How to actually figure out what it is you want and put it in words.

“Do you really want to eat that burger?” asked my gym buddy with a disappointing look on her face. To which I mumbled in response, “No, I don’t. I’ll stick to the salad.” And, just like that, down the drain went my appetite and mood for the rest of the day.

The truth is that, yes, I did really want that burger. I wanted it so bad that not having it spoiled my whole day. My immediate reaction to my friend’s judgmental question was to give a pleasing answer, one that is approved and cherished. I wanted to be accepted and admired. I knew exactly what it was that I wanted, but I wasn’t true to myself.

I spent the rest of the day feeling resentful towards myself and my friend, and I am positive most of you have experienced a similar situation. Now that I know better, I act differently; now that I have a better relationship with myself, I also have a better relationship with others. Indeed, no relationship is more important than the one you have with yourself, and knowing what it is that you want is key.

In the best of cases, what we want is crystal clear to us. In this case, all we have to do is find the right words to express that the way we want to. It’s simple and straightforward.

But what happens when we don’t know what we want? Or when we think we want something, but are not entirely sure about it? Or when we just can’t say out loud what it is that we want? What we want is more often a mix of feelings and emotions that exist in our head but are not processed or expressed, so we end up being frustrated and feeling stuck. With today’s overwhelmingly busy schedules and fast pace of life, this is now all too common and, until we finally manage to put in words what we truly desire, we won’t feel better or relieved. That, however, is easier said than done.

Our thoughts, ideas, and feelings are part of our private internal world; it’s our safe haven, our comfort zone with a firewall that no one can trespass. But what happens when we decide to share this internal world with others? What happens when we feel the need to express our feelings, thoughts, and ideas and share them with the outside world?

For some of us, verbalizing what we want may result in hesitance, confusion, and mumbling. We’re worried about what others may say or think of us, concerned about the reaction we’re going to get, and terrified of rejection.

Self-love and self-acceptance are major factors in the practice of figuring out what we want and putting it in words. It’s very important to auto-approve your ideas and your thoughts; what you want is not what your friend or spouse or partner wants, and what you want is not what society expects from you. What you want is personal and subjective. What you want lies within you. It exists in your subconscious mind.

Follow these three steps to get closer to speaking your own truth.

FIGURE IT OUT

The first step is to actually figure out what you want. More often than not, we don’t even know what we want. Ideas pertaining to that are dispersed and scattered, playing in the back of our minds like a record. Other thoughts and ideas are repressed and hidden away, and this causes an inner conflict and discomfort that makes us incapable of expressing what we really want.

You need to get clarity. Sit with yourself in a quiet place for ten minutes every day – even if that means you need to lock yourself in the toilet, just do it. Meditate and relax. Practice what I like to call “the scientific prayer”, which allows you to get in touch with your subconscious mind to get clarity, as most of the time our ideas and desires are not in focal awareness. The best times to get in touch with your subconscious mind and look for answers are first thing in the morning when you’re not fully awake yet or at night when you are totally relaxed and ready to fall asleep.

Hypnosis is also a great exercise to get clarity and determine what you want. The more hypnosis you practice, the deeper into a trance you get. This state relaxes and distracts your conscious mind, thereby giving the subconscious mind the chance to express itself.

WRITE IT DOWN

Put your thoughts together and write them down. Documenting our thoughts gives them life and makes them real. When writing your thoughts, you have time to think, focus, pause, erase, and correct. Seeing your thoughts and ideas written down in front of you allows you to enhance the use of your senses; you’re not only feeling your ideas or reciting them in your head, but you are also visualizing them. Now, what you want exists on a piece of paper you can go back to, refer to, and follow up on.

SAY IT LOUD

Now that you are aware of what you want, you can achieve harmony between mind, body, and soul. You speak your truth. You are confident. Your words are loud and clear. They are yours and they reflect who you are and what you want. Now, whether others accept them or approve of them, it is none of your concern.

If you are a parent, it’s important to start this work early on with children to get them to a place of understanding who they are and what they want, as well as to get them used to verbalizing what it is they want. To do that, you need to encourage children to speak their minds without fear, and you’ll need to control your reactions towards what they say, then discuss it maturely with them.

When i fell for salad !

This is a little personal story about the day I got to that “ Aha “ moment in my life when a salad became a craving, something I would look forward to eating , versus a punishment food that I had to have in order to achieve my physical goals.

It took me years to make working out and eating healthy part of my life , and only then, once it was programmed in my subconscious that this is the lifestyle I should be following, once I have realized that this lifestyle that I have adapted kept me in good shape and good health, once I visualized and felt ( I am a visual but mostly Kinaesthetic person) the benefits of this lifestyle, once I started enjoying other people compliments ( we all need words of affirmation!), only then I fell for salad...:-) . I remember that day very clearly, and I also remember very clearly the picture of the salad I had that day, the type of veggies in it, the walnuts, the seeds, I also remember the container... I remember that I was on my way to pick up my kids from school but then I was hungry and i stopped by home to pick up that “ Salad”, I remember what I was wearing that day. Now as silly as this may sound please bare with me, there is a point ! That Day was very important to me, because on that day I have realized that I am exactly where I wanted to be in a really long time, I have finally programmed my mind and now it just comes to me naturally .It is not a chore any more, not a painful diet, it is not a punishment it is finally my lifestyle.

But... ( yes there is always a but!), we all know that practice makes perfect, nothing lasts forever, it takes continuous work on one’s self, moments of weakness etc...etc...

In these moments of weakness, when I’m just demotivated and fall off the wagon, in my mind i go back to that day and i anchor my status, i visualise every detail i can remember, i go back to how i felt that day and how good it was.

This is a great mind warm up exercise, it is exactly what i need to remind myself to go back on track.

And this is when Life coaching, Neuro Linguistic programming, and Hypnosis come in handy.

Life coaching, NLP and Hypnosis are great tools that empower human minds, these techniques help us remind ourselves of what we really want, and where we want to be, and most importantly teach us how to stay there.

I’ll end my story by adding couple of important tips, which you most probably know by heart and heard a billion times, but hey! As i mentioned before : We could all use a refresher. Don’t we?!

Tip 1:

Work out! When you exercise your body releases endorphins “ The feel-good hormones ” so you automatically feel happy afterwards, and when you start your day happy, you are more likely to continue your day feeling good and positive, and you are less likely to stress or to turn to food for comfort .

Tip 2:

Stay Hydrated, drink WATER.

It is surprising how easy it is to confuse thirst with hunger. If you feel hungry and notice it is not yet time for your next meal, drink a full glass of water and wait, give yourself and your body some time to assess.

Wishing you a positive, healthy and balanced day.